I got up at about 6am this morning…not because I wanted to, but because Cap’n Jack Henry demanded it.  As I sat on the sofa, nursing him, I was pondering what to blog this morning.  I pondered this for roughly forty-five minutes because that’s about how long it takes him to finish in the mornings.  When I put him back in his crib, I still had nothing.  So basically this is going to turn into a gripe session of sorts.  I’m going to state some problems I’ve been having, and then I want you, my readers (all ten or so of you) to solve them for me in the comment section.  Okay? Okay!  Let’s get started….

1. Since I just mentioned him, let’s start with Jack Henry.  For a few months now he’s been sleeping through the night.  He wakes up in the early morning hours, nurses for.ev.er., but then I’m able to put him back to bed for another hour or two.  I can either go back to bed (rare…unfortunately) or stumble down to my coffee pot, shoot up with its contents, start some laundry and then work on my blog for a while.  My problem is that for the past few mornings Jack Henry is not going back to sleep.  He’s waking up between 5 and 6 am and then actually staying awake without the aid of caffeine or other stimulants.  This concerns me on so many levels, but mainly I’m worried about this blog because this is the only time I have to maintain it.  Help!!!  Do I give him a small dose of Sudafed?  A shot of brandy?  Monetary bribes? 
2. Dirty Harry has taken to sleeping in these long, shiny basketball-ish type shorts and no shirt for the summer.  He’s also taken leave of his underwear.  But that’s not the problem.  The problem is that when he gets up in the morning, he just puts on a tee-shirt that nearly matches the shorts and considers himself dressed.  Is this okay?  Can one just wear the shorts that he slept in all night?  Isn’t that like staying all day in your jammies?  And what about the underwear?  He should put some on, shouldn’t he?  Help me, please.  Boys are a total and complete mystery to me.
3. The light bulb burned out in our refrigerator a couple of weeks ago.  Big D cannot remember to replace it, and I cannot remember to remind him to.  During the day, we have a lot of good, natural light in the kitchen, so it’s not a huge problem, but at 9pm, I can’t always find the coffee creamer, and that my friends, is a catastrophe.  So, what do we do?  How can we remember during regular business hours to replace the bulb?  Or am I destined for a life of darkness as far as refrigeration is concerned?
4. Over the past few months I have noticed an alarming trend with me and road trips.  Basically I can’t hold my eyelids open after about twenty minutes of cruising.  Normally this is okay since Big D does most of the driving, and he’s happy to listen to talk radio and snap unflattering pictures of me with my mouth hanging open and drool running down my cheek.  But Big D is leaving for Mongolia tomorrow morning, and on Sunday I’m leaving for Charleston, SC….a nine hour drive from here…with the kids, Clara, and Indiana Mimi.  Indiana Mimi is a licensed driver, but she has not driven on an Interstate since about 1981.  Bonny Annie, while she plays a mean Mario Kart, is about three years shy of her drivers license.  And while Clara is an extraordinarily talented canine, I don’t think she can reach the gas pedal.  Dirty Harry and the Cap’n are out of the question.  What do I do?  Are energy drinks better than coffee?  Do I hook up some kind of IV, so I’m getting  a steady dose of caffeine?  Have Indiana Mimi slap my face every ten miles or so?  I’m desperate people.  What do you suggest?
5. I have decided that I don’t want Big D to go to Mongolia after all.  What was I thinking?!  Who is going to make the coffee, pump the gas and mow the lawn around here?  How can I go two weeks without my morning back rub?  Who is going to threaten Dirty Harry for me?  I told Big D last night that I had changed my mind, that I couldn’t survive two weeks without him,and do you know what he did?  He smiled and patted my shoulder!  So, how can I sabotage his trip in the next 24 hours?  Wreck my van?  Cry and act hysterical?  Tell him that I’m pregnant?  Quick, quick, quick….I need answers….FAST!

Alright, I think that’s about it.  The end of my problem list.  If the above are solved, then the planets will align, the ozone layer will heal itself, and the lion will lie down with the lamb.  Until I can think of some more wacky, self-absorbed dilemmas….

(And I’m NOT pregnant.)