A Letter to My Teenaged Daughter

Dear Bonny Annie (on the day after your 13th birthday),

Wow!  You’re a teenager.  What a milestone!

The teen years can be tricky.  I know…I’ve been there.  As your mother, I think it’s important to share with you some tips and tricks for maneuvering these coming choppy waters.  Since I’m a pirate, you should listen to me and heed carefully.  I know what I’m talking about.

• First of all, boys are overrated.  Someday, probably when you’re about 33,  God will send a boy into your life who is just like your father.  But until then, just leave them alone.  Don’t look at them.  Don’t talk to them.  Definitely don’t touch them.  You know what?  Don’t even think about them.
• Driving is overrated.  Don’t worry about it.  I will take you anywhere you need to go, unless where you need to go involves boys, until you’re about 33, and then your husband, who is just like your father, can take you.
• Leaving home is overrated.  I know many parents expect their kids to leave around age 18.  21 at the latest.  Your Dad and I don’t expect this.  I need you here to pour Dirty Harry’s cereal and hold Jack Henry so that I can shower.  Also, if you leave, I will be alone with all of these dirty boys.  You can stay until you’re about 33….rent free.
• Purple hair, eyeliner, belly-button piercings, loud music, mood swings…..all overrated.  Trust me.  Leave these things alone.  They will kill you.
• Stop rolling your eyes.  They WILL get stuck one day in the back of your head.  I believe this happens at approximately 4,231 times.  I have lost track at the number you’re on, but it has to be getting close.  Your eyes are too pretty to get stuck like that.
• Contrary to popular belief, your dad and I do remember what being a teenager is like, and things haven’t changed that much sense the 80s.  Well, except for computers, and cell phones, and the President, and Michael Jackson is deceased.  Never mind….we know nothing about being teenagers.
• No, you can’t borrow my car, my money, my perfume, or my make-up.  Ever.
• I know where you are, what you’re doing and what you’re thinking at all times.  I can’t tell you how I can do this, or I’d have to lock you away in a tower for the rest of your life.  Wait a minute….come here….I need to tell you something….
• I’m kidding about all of this.  Except for the boys.
• I’m proud of you.
• I love you.

Love,

Your Pirate Mom