My guacamole recipe is highly sought after.  I have been offered thousands of dollars for my recipe.  Oprah invited me on her show for a special reveal of my secret ingredients.  I lie like a scabbard dog.

Nonetheless, as a thank-you for stopping by my brand spankin’ new site, I’d like to share my humble guacamole recipe….which really is pretty good.  It was inspired by watching a server prepare it at our table in a restaurant called Cozymel’s.

First you need about three ripe avocados and one or two Roma tomatoes.  You can tell an avocado is ripe by pressing one of the ends on, what I call, the button, but which I’m sure is not a technical name.  If it is slightly soft and gives a little, then you have a good avocado.  If it’s very firm, you’ll need to wait a day or two.

Yes, I know there are four avocados pictured.  I’ll show you later what the fourth one is for.

Slice your avocados right down the middle, lengthwise. 

You should be able then to remove the skin very easily, and the pit should pop right out, possibly with the help of a spoon.

After you have repeated this process for all three avocados, place them in a large bowl and mash them with a fork. 

 You could also use a food processor or blender for this step, but I tend to like mine with a lumpier texture.  If your avocados are nice and ripe, then they will mash easily, and by using a fork you can more easily control the texture you want to achieve.

Next, you add the juice of one lime.

Then add the juice of half an orange.

Okay, so I didn’t have an orange.  Juice will work in a pinch.  Just add a splash.

Now for some garlic.  This is what I used…

….but you could use the real thing if so inclined.  Just use a clove or two.  I used this much…

And you can quote me on that.

Now for some salt…

If you really wanted to go all pirate-y, you could get fancy and use sea salt.  But I didn’t have any, so I went Kosher.  Add about a teaspoon, and if need be, you can add more later.

Next you will want to dice up your tomato very finely.  No need to seed or anything.  Just cut the tops off and dice.  The extra juice just adds to the flavor.

Now just mix all of that up and plop a healthy portion on a plate with some tortilla chips (I like Tostito Scoops), and you’re ready for lunch or a snack.

Remember that fourth avocado?  We’re going to use that to feed the baby pirate that lives here, Cap’n Jack Henry.

We’re going to make Baby Pirate Guacamole.  You’ll also need a banana.

Again, you just slice and peel your avacado.  Also peel your banana and break into chunks.  Put it all into a food processor and blend until it’s a consistency that your baby can handle.  Generally I go until it looks like the product of a bad sinus infection.

Yep, that looks about right.

Then you feed it to the baby pirate.  He will love it.

You can refrigerate or freeze the leftovers.  Avocado and banana will both darken in these conditions, but you can add just a dash of lemon juice to prevent it.  If you don’t mind the dark green color, the lemon really isn’t necessary.  Once you give it a good stir, the mixture gets almost back to the original color, as the darkening only happens on top.

When he’s finished just let him wash it all down with a sippy cup of rum.

He’ll sleep for days, and then you can finally clean out your pantry and scrub your baseboards.

Enjoy the guacamole!  (And I was just kidding about the rum thing….)